One month later

Well, it’s been one month since my life dramatically changed course. Wow. I made it! I made it? Yeah…. I think so at least. I’m still here, still pushing forward, at whatever pace that may be.

… breathe….           ……….. breathe…….

Some of you know the story…. most of you don’t. As Rafiki says in The Lion King, “It doesn’t matter now; it’s in the past.” My emotions are starting to catch up to my brain now with remembering this. Unwanted people (person) doesn’t show up in my dreams anymore. Even though many things around me bring up connections to said individual, they’re not emotionally charged anymore. I’m working to cut those links even more. For example, tonight we had Cincinnati Chili for dinner. Yummo!! I love this dish, but I hadn’t made it in a long time. As I started telling my mom the reason why I hadn’t made it, I paused. The reason had to do with person, but the reason doesn’t really matter. I just haven’t made that dish in a while. End of story. That’s what I’m working on now.

I have also decided to move back to Provo. On some levels, I’m scared. I still have a hard time sometimes getting on Facebook and seeing the signs of relationship bliss. Don’t get me wrong: I’m so happy for my friends! My personal relationship failures haven’t made me so jaded that I can’t appreciate the joy that my friends feel in their successes. It’s beautiful to see their engagements, their babies, their fun activities. I need their good examples, really. I settled for what quickly became a sham of a relationship, a joke of an engagement.

Wait a sec…. I’m getting off track. So, I’m moving back to Provo. I don’t have a job. I don’t have anywhere to live, as of yet. I won’t say I’m ready to leave Missouri, nor do I think I’ll be jumping at the bit to get back to Utah, but….. it feels like the best thing to do. I have many great friends there who have proven to be a strong support system for me. When I start getting worried I think about them. At baptism we covenant to “bear one another’s burdens” and sometimes I feel like I  might be that burden to people. I hope not… I hope I can be strong enough with the Lord to just be normal. But if not, He’s blessed me with friends that have already shown their love and care.

Well, I’m waxing long-winded. I just wanted to mark that it’s been a month. And I’m doing quite well, compared to many others who experienced something like this. And I’ve figured out my next steps. Now to pray that I get a good job that will help support my decision!