Split (Bananas)

Published by Erica on

I’m split. It’s so weird to me to existentially remove myself from me and look at my situation. But part of me is super excited for the transpiring events, while the other part of me really doesn’t believe it’s happening. I think that’s a good thing? I mean, it keeps me from driving myself crazy with possibilities and over-thinking. Have I actually resigned myself to the fact that I don’t believe I’ll ever be trekking down my bridge with anyone? Or am I subconsciously shielding myself from the idea that this is what things look like when they start working out? I don’t know. Really, it doesn’t much matter what things look like when they start working out… that’s something I’m somewhat familiar with. It’s when things stop working out that the setup changes. But whatever. Maybe I’m just tired.

Getting to sleep has been horribly hard lately. The few times I’ve tried to get to bed early, I’ve been completely un-tired. Forget that a few hours previously I  had fallen asleep a bit… No dice for bedtime. This means it is harder for me to wake up in the morning (which, folks, is already quite difficult). Maybe some of my calmness about the date tonight, aside from the undercurrent of disbelief, is coming from my lack of adequate sleep. 


Ok, so I’m back.

I had to run and get part of my reading list for my graduate program….. and by run I mean spend 30 more minutes there than I had planned to do. BUT! I am not complaining. Why? Because this professor actually sent me out the door with a complete reading list. As opposed to the other two (who I respect and admire) who are having me do lots of pre-research to come up with useful works. It is very calming to know that I am 1/3 there, and I have to have the other two by next Friday so…. one way or the other it will work out. Did I mention I have an awesome date tonight? Yeah, I was thinking about that as I walked back to my office. I smiled. Oh! I just smiled again. For whatever reason I’m so split about excited and yet not-like-I-usually-am excited, its ok. Because really? I can’t wait to see him tonight. And talk to him. And look at him. And probably hold hands with him. SIGH. 

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