The desire to feel and know

Published by Erica on

I feel compelled to write. To fill a page with words that mean something. I feel… something. I feel like life is always darkest before the dawn. I remember a camp out way back when I was in Young Women’s. Aside from the fact that I had somewhat slid into the fire pit by the morning, I distinctly remember waking up in time to see the rising sun change the shades of the sky. Ever brighter, ever more beautiful. From the comfort of my slightly singed sleeping bag, the world became bright. 

I feel so much right now. Not sure why. But I feel it. Something. 

I haven’t written all that much on my blog this year. Writing is an outlet for me. Sometimes I like to re-read what I’ve written to see where I was at in the past, where I am now, and what has filled the gaps between those times. I suppose parts of this year have left me disappointed, to say the least. The first half of the year I was basically fighting myself, fighting reality. And then reality delivered its blow, for which I am so thankful! It knocked some sense back into me, which I desperately needed. But so much struggle, plus a wake up call of that magnitude… it changes you. It does break you for a while. And if you don’t look carefully, you might go on thinking that you are still broken and not mending. I have spent the second half of the year mending. Growing. Rebuilding. It hasn’t been easy most of the time, but there have been sweet moments all throughout it, if only I pause to reflect on them. It has been hard. It has been emotional. 

I realized something this week. I know, it’s only Monday… how could I have already realized something?? It happened yesterday. The circumstances weren’t exactly pleasant. But in my attempt to cling to hope, faith… anything that would keep me feet properly on the ground, my heart properly in my body, and my head properly attached, my internal voice shouted at me. 

It’s always darkest before the dawn. It’s always darkest before the dawn. It’s always darkest before the dawn.

And I realized in that moment that everything was all right. There is an end. And I think it is actually in sight, too. A fresh start. A new beginning. The dawning of a new day of possibilities for a girl who has also grown and changed through the night. This year has been one that I hope fades rapidly in my memory… at leas the hard parts. The lessons I’ve learned will stay with me a long time. The new friends I have met, the old friends who so quickly gave their love and support – they too will stay with me for a long time. 

I have grown. I have become stronger. This I also realize last night. I am more prepared to stand on my own feet. To pick up the reins and start directing my life again. To face the fierce future without needing someone by me to hold me up. I still want everyone by me, but I can stand on my own power. Which wasn’t true for much of the past while. And there may still be days… Well, you understand. I am strong. I can do it. And I think I am finally really ready to do it, after all this time. 

This went somewhere completely different than I expected when I wrote the title and got started. Oh well. Here’s a song that I feel fits the post and maybe that will help it all make sense. 


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